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“That psychosis business is an interesting business
If you go through the doorway too fast
And you’re not ready
For it you’re bound hand
And foot and thrown into
Outer darkness” – Ram Dass

What would you do if you experienced a psychotic break?

Would you think that you have fully lost it and that there was no coming back?

Would you be mortified if it was no more than a passing of a dark storm leaving you to soberly sift through the wreckage?

Or maybe you would try to make sure that not a soul knew your story––except for the EMT’s, nurses, and cops who saw you at your worst.

Two years ago, I faced all of this after I found myself lost in a two-week drug-induced episode of psychosis.

The brief stint into madness was set in motion by an MDMA-assisted psychotherapy session and was by far the most challenging time of my life. While I would love to say that I have been 100% healed since that dark chapter, deep down I’m not sure that I have. But since then, I have covered a ton of ground in my healing process. I know that when one feels comfortable sharing their pain publicly, it is usually a good sign that they are nearing the end of their healing process.

I’ve fought with myself multiple times if I should share this part of my life, but as we move into a point in history where psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy is becoming a major player in treating mental health, there will be many who find themselves going through what I experienced. 

I know this in my bones, and if I know this in my bones, how could I not share what I went through?

I’m choosing to share my personal experience in hopes that it helps keep someone grounded when they seem to have temporarily lost their way. That is the sole reason you are reading this. This is not my attempt to “play doctor” or discuss how one should be trying to manage a psychotic episode. If you or someone you know should find yourself in these turbulent waters, seek out professional help immediately.

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I’ve thought a lot about how I wanted to approach this blog since there are so many working components to it and I feel that the best way is to break it up into four sections. They will drop Sunday mornings at 8:00 am, starting March 5th, and will be spaced out a week apart. Here’s how it’ll look:

• Part 1: The intro + My journey into psychedelics
• Part 2: Call to action + My session with MDMA-assisted psychotherapy
• Part 3: Psychosis + The accident
• Part 4: My recovery process + My anecdotal theories on why I believed this happened + What this means for the rise of psychedelic therapy

I won’t lie, this blog may be a heavier read for some as we get into the details of what I went through. Let this be a warning now for anyone with severe mental health issues or who currently feels unstable. If you think that hearing my story about a psychotic break would set you over the edge, do not continue. This blog is also going to be long. Choose to read this by the bullet points if that’s what interests you or keep coming back to it at your convenience if you don’t finish it in one shot.

With the finer details ironed out, here’s my story about how MDMA-assisted psychotherapy broke me.

MY JOURNEY INTO PSYCHEDELICS

Ever since I can remember I have been curious by nature. Some people will say that it’s the Gemini in me, but those people are stupid. For better or for worse though, this curiosity has ruled my life, leading me to seek out unusual experiences in which the average person may be completely okay with missing out on. 

One of those experiences was trying psychedelics at a young age. I’ll admit now that it’s a weird place to be led when drugs had never really been my thing growing up.

Most kids at 17 years old were busy smoking weed. While I had tried it a handful of times, I wasn’t crazy about it the same way they were. For whatever reason though, at some point in my life a seed had been planted. If I was ever going to do any drugs other than weed, it’d be ecstasy and mushrooms because, I mean . . . they weren’t heroin or meth. Plus, the rumors of what I had heard about LSD seemed equally as much of a turnoff for me.

I never actively sought out ecstasy or mushrooms, but this innate curiosity of mine always left the door open. Sooner or later, they were bound to show up at my doorstep and during the summer of 11th grade, I had the chance to try ecstasy. I took it without hesitation. I feel like the politically correct thing to say is that I didn’t have a blast trying ecstasy at 17 years old, but I fucking loved it (sorry mom).

As amazing as that day was, it was nothing more than a cool couple of hours. It would be nowhere near the same type of experience that I’d soon encounter from a traditional psychedelic such as mushrooms and LSD. Experiencing the high of a traditional psychedelic would come just one year later; the summer of my senior year in high school. 

I was led to mushrooms the same way I was led to ecstasy. Wandering the streets on a summer day, I knew that a friend of mine had them and I thought to myself, “What do I have to lose?” I guess some part of me thought it’d be a good idea to eat a full eighth of mushrooms for my first time, even though I knew absolutely nothing about them. 

I won’t get lost in the story of what went down that day (you can read it here if you want), but the mushrooms had turned my world upside down. All the ideas that I had of how life worked or was supposed to work were totally shattered. 

My journey was a roller coaster ride that started with me on top of the world, experiencing nothing but pure joy and laughter, then slowly it shifted into a complete consumption of overwhelmingly negative feelings. Soon those feelings gave way into a total deconstruction of the world or rather, I should say, my world.

[If there’s ever a time not to do mushrooms for your first time, it’s the day before you have an 6 A.M. serving shift. All I remember is needing to take periodic breaks in the bathroom to ask myself “what the fuck happened yesterday?” as John Mayer sang sweet little nothings from the speakers to help calm my nerves. Thanks dude.]

I got into psychedelics pretty regularly after my experiences with ecstasy and mushrooms. What first started out as purely recreational use in my early twenties, gave way to more solo intentional based use a few years later. I’d say about once to twice a year I would dive inwards with the help of psychedelics to do “mental laundry” and sort through my shit.

Whether or not I knew it, psychedelics had become a huge part of my identity. I loved them, and I felt about as natural as a fish in water while taking them.

As natural as one can feel while on psychedelics is an oxymoron, Justin.

Yes, I know. But in some ways, they felt like home. 

Every journey on psychedelics felt like I had been there before and usually, the trips felt more realistic than my waking life. This fascination with them led to daydreams about being able to guide people through their own journeys long before I knew what a shaman was. Let alone before I had ever even heard of all the work that was being done with MAPS and MDMA. Or the studies that were being done with psilocybin at NYU and Johns Hopkins. 

Realizing that those daydreams had a potential to become reality sparked something within my heart that I can’t quite put words to. I instantly knew that this was the path I wanted to travel. 

But there was a catch . . . 

While yes, I had done psychedelics more times than priests have been convicted of being pedophiles (priests might have me beat out (double yikes)), but I had never done them in an assisted setting with a therapist. 

I knew that if this was really the journey I wanted to explore, then I’d have to find someone who practiced psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy on the underground because getting into a clinical trial was a long shot. They also had to have the credentials to back it up. I wasn’t going to go to some all-white robed ayahuasca gathering in Williamsburg with a ‘Brooklyn Shaman’ taking center stage.

But where does one even begin to look for someone involved in the world of underground psychedelic assisted psychotherapy? 

Turns out, all you need to do is ask the universe.

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Part 2

Part 3

I’ve also done a podcast with my therapist speaking about my time during psychosis. The episode mostly goes over the safety aspect, as this series will focus more on my story. Regardless, you can listen to that episode here if you want more information all things psychedelics and safety: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4tV4z89hUDt908bIUCm3xd?si=1f0d40d6d45c4de2

And lastly, I feel that many others may have had a psychotic break of sorts whether it be from drugs or something entirely different. I know that a subject like this isn’t what you go screaming to the world and is heavily stigmatized. If you have never properly talked about it with someone or have always felt ashamed, I am here to talk. Before reaching out to me I’d suggest a therapist, but after that I’m always around to talk and you can either email at jalito526@hotmail.com , or slid on into my DM’s, bay-bee.

Much Love guys and thanks for reading.

Edited by: Patricia Hendriks