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“What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m reading those words for the second time and writing this blog for the fourth. This doesn’t come easy, but I feel that these words need to be brought to light. I don’t expect you to agree with everything that I’m gonna say here, but if there’s anything to be asked, it’s that you read this with an open mind and hold judgements until the end. We’re at a point where I don’t think there can be anymore beating around the bush, and I hope this reaches and helps whoever may stumble across it––much love to you all.

With a sappy, grandiose opening to set the stage, let’s kick this bitch off with a little nugget of wisdom that I think will layout some necessary groundwork.

(Clears throat)

‘Twas a hot day in 2016 on the Pacific Crest Trail in Northern California when my ears were in the presence of greatness. It was a rambling from Russell Brand that couldn’t be ignored. Here we are years later and I still think about it. Some would say it struck a chord.

Bring in the Brit:

“if we are as anatomically as similar as we are, perhaps it’s safe to assume that we’re psychologically, comparably similar . . . throughout the world everybody is having a very similar experience of being human. The anxiety of not being good enough, the fear of death, constantly looking for something in the outside world that’s going to solve their problems.”

It is this reason and this reason alone as to why I’m writing this blog. I believe that at our core, we are more alike than we realize and this insight from Russell hits the nail on the head. This obviously may not be fact as it’s just him sifting through thoughts, but does it really seem that out there of an idea?

I feel that a lot of people are in pain right now, and maybe this is a projection of the pain that I deal with from time to time, but I don’t think so. This human experience is a messy son of a bitch. Just how it is, Jack. Don’t shoot the messenger. But, in the end, I do believe that when we really open up to someone––and not some half-ass opening up, I’m talking the meat and potatoes of opening up––there’s a shift that takes place.

A form of magic is at work when we truly open ourselves to someone. The blinders come off and we remember our shared humanity. We also remember that this person is fallible, just like us; they don’t have it all figured out, just like us; and they are going through some shit, just like us. In that very moment, we’re instantly able to relate with that person regardless of how different they may be.

So!

Like a really shitty one-night stand that consisted of no foreplay, here’s a piss poor way to jump right into the deep end. For the past four years I have struggled with trying to understand my sexuality.

Pause . . .

I know what direction you think this blog is going, but I promise you we’re going to take a sharp left turn towards the end. But before we get there, we need to start at the beginning.

KIDS BEING KIDS EXPLORING THE WORLD

Now, this isn’t some “grand-master” secret that I’ve been hiding for years. It wasn’t until I bit off more than I could chew with meditation did this issue begin to show its face.

One night during my first summer of finally taking meditation seriously, I must have reached a point of complete stillness. A memory, accompanied by an intense feeling of fear (promptly ending that session), came bubbling to the surface.

That memory specifically, me kissing a boy when I was somewhere around the age of six or so. That one night changed the entire trajectory of my life.

I think on some level I had always known that memory was there. But in retrospect, there was part of me that couldn’t seem to acknowledge it.

Only when I got still enough to stop resisting life was the memory able to resurface.

But for as in my face as the memory was, it was like a movie reel missing a few slides. All I could vaguely remember was the kiss itself, and then me shoving his face into the snow. Two emotions that cemented deep roots that day were shame (somewhere in Texas Brené Brown’s ears just perked up) and fear.

From that moment on, being Justin Daniel Alito was no longer cool.

(It’s totally cool now, just an FYI).

My life slowly began to unravel after that night. If someone joked about me being gay, let alone even seeing the word, I began to crumble internally. Why all of a sudden was this bothering me? “I kissed a boy; I must be gay, right?––but did I even kiss him, or did he kiss me?

Stuck on those thoughts, they eventually led me to notice how much I was getting triggered by everything––and know that when I say the word ‘triggered,’ I mean I was fucking scared. Don’t let these trendy words blind you to the true meaning underneath.

Side note:

[If you are getting triggered––by anything––then there is something underneath that is calling for your attention. We can’t keep ignoring our triggers, thinking that nerfing our world is the answer. This is a recipe for disaster that we can currently see to some degree here in 2020.]

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“Well, if I’m getting scared by all of this, there must be something there.”

Right?

But was there? Or was this slowly becoming a self-induced neurotic obsession that I couldn’t seem to get past? These were questions I soon began to lose sleep over, and in time, we’ll see that the answer was both.

What followed was about four years of questioning everything I thought I knew about myself. I was now dealing with a full-blown identity crisis. The idea that I had about myself––who I was or should be––was utterly shattered. To say I was a mess at the start of those four years would have been a massive understatement.

Fear soon began to consume my entire being.

ACCEPTING WHAT IS

As time went on, I began to have a hard time trusting myself. The mind spun every story from A-Z, 100 times over. I couldn’t look my family and best friends in the eye. I knew I needed time to figure out what was going on and thought that maybe a 2,650 mile hike on the Pacific Crest Trail to clear my head was ideal. Safe to say, it was a excellent place to start.

My first day of relief from the onslaught of thoughts came during a day in Oregon.

Completely exhausted by the chaos that was ensuing in my mind, something finally gave way. I thought to myself, “hey dude, you just might be gay, and that’s perfectly okay.” With it came a relief like no other. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

But the truth of what happened that day is something that needs to be highlighted.

What really happened that day was I had finally accepted these thoughts of being gay. I still didn’t know (or care) if I was, but I finally just said, “fuck all of this, this is what is going through my mind, and that’s okay.”

However, with this realization only came more confusion because nothing changed. It wasn’t like all of a sudden, guys were in, and girls were out. No, girls were very much still in.

At that point, all I was able to make note of was to work on putting the thoughts behind me, and start to enjoy the following weeks of stress-free thinking. Things were lovely for quite some time, but again, it didn’t last long. All it took was a couple of months before something would trigger me, hook me, and I would find myself back in this “Feedback Loop from Hell” as Mark Manson would call it.

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This OCD loop has been the better part of my life for the past couple of years and has driven me mad at times, but I realized it served a purpose in hindsight.

I’m going to get absolutely bonkers for a second and go out on a limb and say that you have your own version of this feedback loop. It doesn’t have to concern sexuality. Maybe for you, it’s a particular self-limiting belief that you always come back to, or perhaps it’s another OCD obsession.

Regardless, if it looks something like this, let a brother know:

Thoughts of being gay (or whatever your thing is) >>

Accepts the idea of thoughts of being gay (or distracts one’s self from them, which only adds fuel to the fire) >>

Finds great relief and absence of pestering thoughts for weeks and months to follow >>

Gets triggered by something in the world, re-hooked into going down the path of the smaller self, and ends up back at square one obsessing over thoughts >>

If you’ve ever been here with any area of your life, let me get an amen, my brothers and sisters. This is fear working in a two-part system, serving as a distraction first and foremost, and also working as a guiding star to see if we can learn to embrace the fear.

INVESTIGATING FEAR

“Fear is not real . . . It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist . . . Do not misunderstand me danger is very real, but fear is a choice.” – Will Smith

Fear is not real: don’t fight me over this.

As four years passed of repeating this cycle, fear continued to make me it’s bitch. Let alone being scared of being gay, I was now becoming petrified of the feeling of fear itself. This was all part of the process, though. To get to where I’m at today could have only been done by taking the time out to investigate fear.

You see, during those specific periods, I had looked at everything that I could. I didn’t feel that I was lying to myself, but I also couldn’t seem to come to a firm decision (not that I ever needed to). Lost and not quite sure what to do, I found myself slowly growing more apathetic towards life.

But like the acorn that knows it is destined to grow into an oak tree (thank you, Erick Godsey), there was a part of me that continually chipped away, working towards getting to the center of Truth. The demand for wholeness was slowly out-weighing the unconscious need to be controlled by fear.

Little by little, over the years, I began to revisit the issue at hand, and you know what happened when I would do that? It started becoming more comfortable to look at.

Every time I came back to it, I learned a new lesson, or formed a better relationship with myself. What once started as an overwhelming fear was now becoming a grand-master lesson in self-love.

The fear was teaching me how to be gentle with myself. It was more than a fear of sexuality at this point. It was showing me all the areas in my life where I had a hard time accepting myself. It showed me what still needed work by shining a light on those areas.

I realized that by resisting the thoughts, it was giving them more power than I could have ever even imagined. But by learning to watch them and then slowly accept them through a mindfulness/meditation practice, the shackles of fear began to release one by one.

Moving through life with more grace was slowly becoming second nature, and I loved it.

NON-INDENTIFICATION IS THE NAME OF THE GAME

The last and final chapter leaves us at what may be one of the most significant turning points in my life where I had a recent MDMA journey.

Continuing to play the game of cat and mouse with the understanding of my sexuality, I finally realized that in order to grow into the person that I know I can become, I had to face this fear completely head on.

(Yes I know hooking up with a guy would literally be facing this fear head-on, but sometimes we need our hand held as we work up the courage to face our fears––which is what the MDMA did for me.)

One of my three intentions heading into that journey was to face this fear. Not knowing how I would do this, all I could do was trust that everything would work itself out.

Well, the trust paid-off.

During my journey, I came across an extraordinary moment. It was a moment of clarity––of complete knowing––that had made the entire thing worth it.

It only lasted a second, but in that second came a conviction––a feeling––that I knew I’d never need to question my sexuality again.

I came to the final realization that it doesn’t matter whether I’m gay, straight, or bi. What mattered was that this fear of what I was or wasn’t kept me from truly enjoying my life to the fullest. I was so caught up in identifying with this idea of who Justin Daniel Alito is suppose to be

I realized that fear is a distraction from more significant issues that we need to face together as a society.

Plus, truth be told, I think everyone has a little bi-curiosity to them, but it’s so condemned in life that the fear surrounding it holds us back––especially for males, whereas females it’s almost fully encouraged.

*Gasp*

Oh no! You can’t say that, Justin! Ah, but I can, and I did, and it’ll be okay.

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In that one moment, it became clear that there was a deeper piece within me––that’s within everyone––that just knows, man. Intuition, soul, whatever you want to call it, there is something within us that has the answers to all the questions we spend countless hours looking for in our external life.

But if we identify with our minds, or our bodies, or our emotions, we’ll never arrive at those answers.

Knowing knows became my mantra for the rest of the session as I would remind myself less thinking and more feeling. Thoughts tend to get in the way of Truth.

If this blog serves as anything, let it serve as a reminder that we have the courage to face the things that frighten us the most. The biggest takeaway from my experience was just how much time I’ve wasted not enjoying life to the fullest.

I thought to myself, “how many more years was I going to waste stressing about this?

How many more blogs was I not going to write because I always knew that this was the one that needed to come to fruition? I mean, hey, maybe that’s what creative blocks really are at the end of the day––a whisper as to where we are hung up on something.

But if we never address that whisper, then damn, fear wins.

FRO-YO

In the end there’s no right or wrong, good or bad; only our labeling makes it so. Had we not had decades and decades of labeling homosexuality as a “bad thing,” we would most likely not even think twice about it! It would just be something that is. Most people have a innate curiosity as we are human. Were we not curious when fro-yo first came to the scene?

What the fuck, Justin ?

Let’s end this here as I couldn’t think of a better way to closeout a heavy blog.

Remember the craze that surrounded fro-yo when it first came to the scene? It got love, hate, and everything in between. Ice cream finally had competition. Well, if ice cream is being straight and fro-yo is being gay, let’s dive into this metaphor:

Maybe we’ve been ice cream people our whole lives. It’s what they gave us, right? It’s all we had known. Then fro-yo comes to the scene, but it’s new and foreign, and we don’t do so hot with the unknown.

But as time goes on, maybe we start to notice a thought of maybe wanting to try . . . fro-yo. Yikes, can’t do that, though. Everyone would make fun of us (which, as ridiculous as this metaphor, happened when fro-yo first came out).

So what do we do with those uncomfortable thoughts? We push them down, making sure they never see the day of light because to try fro-yo would make us the laughing stalk––or at least we think it would.

But maybe one day we finally hit a breaking point, and our curiosity outweighs our need to care, and we decide to try fro-yo.

Maybe we realize it wasn’t for us. Or maybe we decide we’re over ice cream and on to fro-yo. Maybe we jump back and forth between ice cream and fro-yo for a couple of months or for the rest of our lives.

Or maybe we realize that it never fucking mattered and that the only thing that matters is what we decide to choose. Is this not Love? Comfortability, choice, and Truth all wrapped into one?

I feel that at any moment, gay or straight, someone can end up dating the partner of their choosing. I think that if we don’t get wrapped up in labels, ultimately we choose who we want to be with.

For a long time, I thought I had to be okay with accepting the unknown, so I did. But our greatest strengths can become our biggest weakness if not balanced correctly, and for me, being as open-minded as I am, that comes with a lot of indecisiveness when not in proper alignment. So while there is a freedom in accepting the unknown, there’s an equal, if not greater freedom, that comes with decisively choosing to close a chapter.

Much love, everybody.

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This is an open invitation for anyone who may be going through something similar, especially men. I’m here to talk. This was a heavy burden on me for four years of my life and I don’t want people to think they have to go through the same. Reach out, open up, it’ll be worth. I promise.

Edited by: Patricia Hendriks