Be More Like Doug Pt. I came about from a writing prompt in my fiction writing class that I took this past semester at school. It was a fun little prompt that I wanted to keep building on so I turned it into a parable of sorts. After that, we we’re tasked with coming up with two short stories and I wanted to continue this theme of remixing Be More Like Doug, so I turned it into a full short story and it’s what I have here today. I hope you enjoy!
What a character Doug is.
The best part is, he doesn’t even know it. A true breath of fresh air, unlike those
mother fuckers who know exactly what they’re doing. Putting on their mask day in and
day out is like a drug for them. The minute the sun sheds her rays upon the world,
they’re hopping out of bed without a second to spare. It’s like they can’t wait to see what
poor chump gets entangled in their daily web of deception.
Fucking narcissistic sleezeballs. If only there were more Dougs.
You’d be lucky to come across a handful of these people in your entire life, and
here I have one sitting right in front of me in class. The embodiment of what feels like a
pure soul.
Quirky and eccentric for sure, and probably too nice for his own good if I’m being
honest. But Doug is uniquely Doug and that’s what’s beautiful. There’s no trying, no
extra sauce added because he is naturally the extra sauce. I can’t help but think that
maybe if reincarnation is real, and our goal is to keep coming back until we have
learned all that’s needed to learn so we no longer have to continue to play this game,
it’s people like Doug who are higher up on that list.
I’m not saying he doesn’t have his own problems. Hell, I’m sure he does. But
there’s something about him that makes everyone who meets him throw away their
facade. It’s like they know that they don’t have to pretend around Doug because he
doesn’t pretend with himself. Again, my man is naturally that extra sauce, no artificial
ingredients necessary.
Maybe we’re missing the mark trying to aim for these higher ways of living by
looking to embody our prophets. Maybe Doug is the type of person we should be
looking to try and embody. Shit, maybe Doug is a Prophet?
Who knows. All I know is that this class needs to end and that I need to hop off of
Doug’s dick––no one is a saint.
*Bell Rings*
“Bobby, Bobby!” Josh shouted as he ran down the hall tripping over his own feet.
Josh wasn’t necessarily, how should one say this, “a ladies’ man.” He kind of had
a “Frodo Baggins strung out on meth” vibe, but then again, did Frodo ever not look like
he was strung out on meth? Meth vibes aside, the guy was my best friend and nothing
more mattered than that. We had grown up on the same block since we were four years
old. Not a day went by that we weren’t running barefoot accumulating layers of tar on
our feet as we captured flags or temporarily putting our friendship on hold over long
games of manhunt through the woods that ended sour. You couldn’t keep us inside. It
was like something deep within our core begged for us to just enjoy being kids. Play
was all we wanted, and I guess there were the deep talks too. Our ability to have these
in-depth conversations that flew over the heads of other kids our age is what made us
inseparable. Half-baked Neanderthals.
“What do you want, Josh?”
“What’s your deal, dude?” Just as he said this, Doug had walked by us and
instantly, he knew. “Doug! Oh Doug! Would you let down your long hair, Doug?” Josh
said getting lost in the theatrics of being an asshole.
“You’re out of your mind if you can’t smell the bullshit from a mile away, Bobby.
Homeboy is a fraud anyways. But hey, if you’re into that type of stuff let me know and I’ll
put in the good word for you. Heard he puts out on the first date. Maybe you’ll have a
real nice night.”
“Fuck off, asshole.” Josh knew about my unhealthy obsession with Doug. I’m not
quite sure what my fascination with him was. At least on a surface level I wasn’t sure,
but I think deep down there was a piece of me that idolized Doug because I wanted to
prove my nihilistic tendencies wrong. Maybe in some strange way that I couldn’t quite
understand yet, Doug was my hope that there were truly good people in the world. I
wish I was one of these people who saw the world through rose-colored glasses, but I’m
not. I mean, I try. I really do. But let’s just say that my glasses are more of the
“shit-colored” variety courtesy of all the times I’ve been fucked over in my life.
“Does he even have any friends? I know everyone loves the kid, but I haven’t
seen him spend time with anybody in school. Even one solid friend would give him
some credibility. The dude is a creep.”
“Maybe you’re right. Or maybe someone can’t handle the fact that there’s
someone smarter than the great ‘Josh Waltz.’” I knew I had hit a sore spot with that one.
What Josh lacks in looks is made up in intelligence and the thought that any of these
Neanderthals in Marcy High could be smarter than him was enough to cause a system
malfunction. Doug had him beat by a long shot and it was the sole reason that Josh had
a vendetta against the kid.
“The dude can kiss my ass and so can you. When you’re done daydreaming
about your lover, let me know. I’ll be in the car waiting to grab some Five Guys. I can
smell the grease sizzling from here.”
That was the other good thing about Josh, his parents were loaded to the gills.
He was the first kid back in 10th grade to get a car and not only was he the first, but his
parents handed him the keys to a 2021 Subaru STI on a silver platter. And then there
was me; washing dogs, squeezing anal glands, all so I could scrape together
enough money to buy a beatdown 97’ Buick Regal that knew no boundaries when it
came to embarrassment. I don’t know which was worse: The way she needed exactly
47 seconds to get the high-pitched shrill out of her system when first turning on, or the
fact that Velcro and duct tape fought the wind with every drive in hopes that the hood
didn’t fly open. But I guess if you can’t be the one who can afford a nice car, the
second-best option is to be friends with the kid who can.
Driving to Five Guys was an after-school Friday tradition for us. It was right at the
edge of town and was essentially your last landmark before you got lost in the luscious
views of the Pacific NorthWest. Those woods were magical. They went on for miles and
the rain day in and day out helped them illuminate the world around us in the most
beautiful shades of green that one could lay their eyes on. We would always sit outside,
if it wasn’t raining, and reminisce on our days growing up where Josh and I were
convinced that we were going to be the first ones to find Bigfoot. He swears he saw one
conveniently on a day when I wasn’t there . . . right.
“Bobby, I’m breaking my personal record today. Two bacon cheeseburgers, two
bacon cheese dogs, one grilled cheese, Cajun style fries, and a peanut butter
milkshake.”
“You’re a fucking savage––but twenty bucks says you won’t finish.”
“You’re on.”
I was almost positive Josh was going to throw up. His involuntary gags were a
dead giveaway, but turned out to be a major letdown when they didn’t deliver the final
product. But hey, I was $20 richer. “Told you, bitch.”
“Bobby . . . why did you let me do this? You’re a terrible friend.
“Josh, this is exactly what friends are for.”
Eyes suddenly bolted open; Josh was given a second chance at life. ”Holy shit, is
that Doug?”
I thought Josh was being an asshole, but across the highway we saw Doug hop
the guard rail, cut through the brush, and scurry down into the woods. “What is he
doing? There’s no trails over here.”
“We have to go follow him.”
“What? No way, man. He’s probably just going for a hike.”
“Oh yeah? On what trail, Bobby. Please tell me. You and I both know that there’s
absolutely nowhere to hike over here. The forest is too dense.”
“Alright, I’ll give you that. It’s a weird area to be cutting into the woods, but I don’t
know, Josh. Just let him do his thing.”
Too late. Josh already made his way to the edge of the highway waiting for a
break in the chaos of cars so he could make a mad dash for the other side.
“This is fucking stupid!” I yelled at him, but it was no use. He was like a predator
locked onto his prey.
Branches clawed at our faces as we scrambled down the ravine and poison ivy
did its best to claim us as its victim; thankfully we knew what to look for. The descent
went on for what felt like forever. As we got about half way, the brush slowly gave way
to thick woods and crazy rock scrambles. Absolutely no one was hiking over here.
“Josh, calm on, let’s get the fuck out of here. This is crazy, man.”
As we inched closer towards the bottom, out of nowhere, I suddenly doubled
over feeling like I had just been punched in the gut. A putrid smell had stopped us dead
in our tracks and completely overtook every cell of our being.
“Bobby . . . look.”
Josh was pointing to the bottom of the ravine where an elk laid motionless. Faint
sounds of swarming flies gave us the unnecessary confirmation as to where the smell
was coming from.
“This isn’t right.” The words barely escaped Josh’s mouth as we slowly moved
closer.
The elk had been shot in the head. In a state known for hunting, I’m pretty sure
that even 2-year-olds know you only take a shot if you know it’s a kill shot––even then,
a kill shot is never in the head, but always the chest. This was a clear sign of malicious
intent.
We walked around the other side of the elk and instantly I felt my chest constrict.
Part of me began to disassociate out of confusion, but body had its own agenda and
moved into high alert. The elk had been completely mutilated. Pieces of it were missing
from every section and it had more stab wounds than I could count.
“Bobby, what the fuck is going on?! Look how this thing is cut up!” The volume
now returning back to Josh’s voice. “There’s no way an animal did this and no hunter
would do this to an animal.”
“What are you two doing down here . . .” came a cold but stern voice from behind
us.
Instantly we shot around to see Doug standing there holding a knife. The
innocence of the Doug we knew from school was long gone. It had seemed as if a
foreign entity was controlling the person standing in front of us––as if it wasn’t even
Doug at all.
The way the trees blocked most of the sun letting only chosen rays grace their
presence onto the floor of the overcrowded forest; the rancid smell of the rotting elk still
lingering in the air; my body now taking matters into its own hands involuntary
contracting every muscle out of pure terror; and Doug, who was standing there stock
still, were all fighting for my attention. The entropy of the moment had seared its way
into my mind forever.
“I fucking knew it, Bobby! I didn’t trust this kid for a second. What did you do to
this elk you sick fuck?”
“I was merely having fun. It’s a shame you guys had to come and ruin my
project.”
“Project? What the fuck do you mean project?”
“I mean, no one was supposed to know about this. This is my territory, my fucking
space to do whatever the fuck I want! I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
As he said that, I heard the slight movement of chains in the distance. Forty feet
behind Doug was a dog writhing in pain. A closer look showed that he was locked to a
tree with a chain around its neck. Skin and bones, you could tell the thing was holding
on to its last bit of life. Josh and I were so lost in the moment that nothing else existed,
until now––and that’s when everything else came into focus.
All around us we began to notice that there were animals nailed to the trees:
squirrels, raccoons, rabbits, and some cats. With each new revelation, my grasp on
reality was slipping fast and my body began to feel like a distant stranger. Feelings of
bewilderment transitioned into feelings of defeat not knowing what to do with the
situation.
But Josh did.
The second he saw the dog and came to on what we were dealing with, he didn’t
think, he just reacted. Something inside him snapped and he lunged towards Doug
planting his shoulder right into his solar plexus knocking him down onto the floor. Had I
reacted quicker, things may have ended differently.
Everything had stopped. The two on the ground frozen in time staring at each
other. It only took a couple of seconds before I had realized what had happened. Doug
pushed Josh off of him and he hit the floor landing on his back revealing the knife
sticking out of his stomach. Blood slowly began to make its presence as it puddled
through Josh’s shirt.
Doug was now back onto his feet staring at Josh. For a split second, the
darkness gave way and the Doug that I knew from school reclaimed the throne.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was my territory––my fucking territory” he
said under his breath. With those final words, he took off running into the woods but
stopped to make eye contact with me one last time revealing that the darkness had
returned.
I was left there alone; completely broken. The horror that now surrounded me
had left me paralyzed down to my core. Looking up in a daze, searching for a sign, the
darkness of the woods had no interest in answering my call. I sat close to Josh rocking
back and forth trying to wake myself up from what all felt like a terrible dream.
Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake up
