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TRIGGER WARNING: This blog will be talking about seeing if we can get to a place where we could forgive rapists and murderers. Do not read if you’re not in a place to handle what may come up.

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” – Jesus Christ

I’m not really religious, but homeboy may have been on to something.

Question for you: When we think of some of the worst acts a human can commit (rape and murder), as a society, can we ever truly forgive these people? I mean, should we? Or will we always hold them at the level of the act they committed?

I should throw out a considerable disclaimer before we begin: I’ve never been personally affected by rape or murder, nor has anybody that I know. Meaning, this post is already skewed from the start. Who am I to say that we should forgive these people (spoiler alert as to where I stand).

Can we forgive though? This is a question that has been weighing heavy on my mind for the past three months. But it is a question worth taking the time to think about. Why? Because I think there’s more riding on the vindication of these people than we realize.

WHY THINK ABOUT THIS?

Not too long ago, I found myself crying over Trump. It wasn’t one of my finest moments, but all I could think about that day was how much hate that man receives. It’s safe to say he’s the most hated man in America to put things in perspective. I don’t know about you, but I’d crumble under that amount of pressure.

Knowing the disgust that I’d receive as I reluctantly told people about this, I got hit with the same responses, “he does it to himself,” “he enjoys it,” “he’s a fucking piece of shit,” “you cried over Trump? What the fuck is wrong with you.” I won’t sit here and argue against the fact that the man most definitely adds fuel to the fire in the department of hate. But does he really enjoy being hated? C’mon son. No one does.

Sure, he’s got the moral compass of a used tampon, but he’s still human. I don’t think anyone wants to be an asshole. Comparatively, I don’t think anyone wants to become a rapist or murderer.

Thinking about Trump, I began to wonder if there was a way we could ever see him in a different light, maybe that of a more positive one. As I thought about it, it became a no brainer. Of course we could, but it wouldn’t happen over night, and it would have to take a lot of work on his part.

If someone wanted to change for the better but had a shitty past, why wouldn’t we let them try? Who are we to even make that call? Then it hit me. In my eyes, Trump was easy to forgive. But what about the worst of the worst? Could I forgive a child molester, or rapist, or murderer, if they were looking for a second chance? Could we forgive?

Like Trump, I truly think it’s possible. But it’s going to take a lot of work on their part to right their wrongs. And it’s going to take a lot of work on our part to not see them as their past.

So, where do we begin? By understanding that we’re lucky.

NOTHING BUT LUCK

When I hear of people in these situations, I get sad, man. I get sad because I think about how lost you have to be in life to commit one of these acts, let alone even consider it. I mean, take a minute to think about yourself right now. As you read these words, you know you would never even come close to acting out the way these people have. Now think about how dark of a place you’d have to be in to find yourself in their shoes.

We first need to try to reframe seeing someone other than those darker aspects. One way to do this is to see them as someone who zigged when they should have zagged––maybe one too many times. This tidbit is essential as it encompasses the premise of this blog.

At our core, we want to be loved. E V E R Y B O D Y does, no matter how far someone may have succumb to the darkness.

Don’t believe me? Time to drop some hotness on you fools.

If I say the word “pure,” what are the first three things that come to mind? If children weren’t in your top three, then you most likely worship Charles Manson.

(I mean, yes, anything past five years old, and they can fuck all the way off. I think we can all agree there.)

All babies are as pure as pure gets, and the only thing a kid lives for is the act of play. Look at any kid and tell me that I’m wrong. They don’t see gender, race, or sexual orientation. They don’t know what hate is because play is literally their only goal in life.

Ah, but then it happens––life happens. Some of us get lucky and make it through barely phased. Parents loved us. Never experienced anything too traumatic. Had our basic needs met as a kid. Was born into wealth. Stable brain chemistry. In poker, this would be getting pocket Ace’s. From the start, the odds are in our favor.

But then there are the people who get a 2, 7, off-suit, as their hand––the worst poker hand.

Maybe they got shit genetics or their parents didn’t show them enough attention. They could have inherited trauma or had traumatic experiences of their own. Perhaps they were born on the wrong patch of dirt. And maybe they just couldn’t seem to get it right while everyone else could.

I like to think that these people at some point or another tried the play the hand they were dealt to the best of their abilities. But perhaps in those moments, it back fired only to confirm their ill pre-conceived notions. Their honest attempt at change only put them further in the hole.

HEY YOU, LET’S TAKE A QUICK FUCKING PAUSE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW WHERE YOU’RE HEAD IS AT.

By no means is any of this me enabling Trumps shit behavior, rapist, murders, child molesters, or shit behavior of any kind. There’s a goal behind writing this blog and it ain’t to glorify criminals. Instead, we need to find a way to elevate them out of the depths.

If we can do that, then we elevate the collective as a whole (more on this later).

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It is nothing more than a shit hand that turns people towards the darkness. It’s easy for us to sit there with our pocket Ace’s and cast judgment because pocket Ace’s is all we know. But think about how that is nothing more than luck.

We were lucky to be born into a wholesome family.

We were lucky to not be born into a violent household which tends to produce children who go on to repeat the violence––a cycle that can also be seen with victims of child molestation.

We were lucky to be born into an affluent society, not becoming a product of our environment.

We were lucky to be born into the body of Jessica, or Jake, or Michelle, who wouldn’t know the first thing about shit genetics and shit brain chemistry.

We were lucky to be birthed by a woman who wasn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol.

We were lucky to be born in a country that doesn’t know the first thing about the lifestyle of third-world poverty.

We were lucky not to have anything severely traumatizing happen to us as a kid.

We were lucky, but it is this very luck that blinds us. Even if we were born with pocket 10’s and worked our way to pocket Ace’s, once we’ve “made it,” we fall into the trap that everyone should be able to do the same. But we forget that pocket 10’s still beat pocket 9’s, and pocket 9’s still beat a 2, 7, off-suit.

TALK IS CHEAP

As much as I may be an idealist on this subject, I am not naive. Do I think we should pardon all the rapists and murders? Are you on crack?

But is there a way that we could try to give these types of people a second shot at life? Maybe.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an excerpt from David Hawkins’ Letting Go (a gem of a book on understanding emotions, by the way), and I had a ton of people reach out to me over it. This was it:

Above is basically the question that I’ve been thinking about but multiplied by 1,000. I don’t want to get into whether or not we can love Hitler unconditionally. But I want to highlight the paragraph’s key concept; negative energies overtook Hitler. Forgiveness and change begin right here, but one can only get to that point by doing the internal work.

With internal work, you have to look at yourself on a deeper level. You must peel back the layers of what and who you think you are as you work towards Truth and Love. As we do this, we get to a place where we realize that it could have easily been us if we had the shit life circumstances that the person did and our level of empathy begins to grow.

No way, man, not me! I could never do what those people did!

How could you know if pocket Ace’s is all you know? We each have a Mother Teresa and Hitler somewhere within us whether we want to admit it or not. When we reach this level of understanding, we’re open to giving people that second shot at life. But how do we do this?

Through action, talk is cheap.

I think the only way we could ever give these people a second shot at life is if three things happen:

1. They have to realize on their own that they messed up and are looking to right their wrongs. How they get to that point is beyond me. It’s like, how does the alcoholic get sober? It has to come from within; not even rock bottom is enough to shake people awake sometimes.
2. Most importantly, there needs to be right action involved. The prior Hitler post started a conversation with a friend of mine. He told me about a man’s family who was working with his murderer towards a lesser jail sentence. My friend went on to tell me how a restorative justice approach needs to be considered when dealing with these people. I fully agree. If someone who committed such a heinous crime is looking for a second chance, there needs to be accountability. We don’t just give them another chance because we feel bad. It’s more than that.
3. We need to have enough clarity to remember this simple truth: life is really fucking hard. Why are we the lucky ones? Even with pocket Ace’s, it can sometimes feel like we’re barely hanging on. So then, how can we expect the guy with pocket 2’s to get by, let alone the man with 2, 7, off-suit?

THE BLANK SLATE METHOD MEETS THE PYGMALION EFFECT

As I thought about Trump that day and noticed all the dark corners my mind brought me to, I began to feel a heaviness surrounding me. Yes, this is a rough topic, but what I was picking up on was all the emotions that are intertwined with these situations––grief, shame, guilt, anger––and the energy that surrounds them.

As I think about the world, I feel that we’re at a point where we need to elevate ourselves towards the direction of peace in order to keep up with the rate of growth that we’re currently seeing. But it is these lower level emotions that stunt our true potential.

Reading David Hawkins’ Letting Go helped me realize just exactly what these lower emotions are doing to us. For practical purposes, let’s look at how he sees emotions and how they correspond with levels of consciousness:

Peace (600)

Joy (540)

Love (500)

Reason (400)

Acceptance (350)

Willingness (310)

Neutrality (250)

Courage (200)

Pride (175)

Anger (150)

Desire (125)

Fear (100)

Grief (75)

Apathy (50)

Guilty (30)

Shame (20)

Ah, that mother fucker Shane on the bottom. Fuck Shane––I met shame. (Totally uncalled for to all the Shane’s out there.)

*All the Shane’s out there*

This is why I think we need to work on forgiving these people, at the very least, realize that no one ends up in these situations because life treated them well.

When we condemn people, not only do we hold them at that lower energy, but we reduce ourselves to the same level of energy. And if that happens on an individual level, then what does that do to us on a collective level?

Like two people caught in an on-going feud, sometimes someone needs to put their pride aside for there to be peace. Well, we can say the same about those who committed an atrocity. Could forgiveness be the very thing they need so they can begin to forgive and change themselves? Could it be as simple as holding space for someone and seeing them without judgment?

But only if it was that simple.

My beautiful, wonderful, amazing girlfriend practices this concept of “blank slating” that applies to what we’re talking about, and I think we should end here.

The idea is that every day you interact with those closest to you, you hold them at a blank slate. Whatever they did in the past, or however they normally act, you give them a chance to show up as someone else. You don’t think, “fuck, I’m hanging out with Mark again; you know how obnoxious he can be.” When we do this, we reinforce what is known as the “Pygmalion effect.”

The gist of the Pygmalion effect is the story of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Guy thinks new girlfriend is going to cheat on him; subconsciously he engages in those insecurities; new girlfriend ends up cheating on him; confirms his beliefs.

What we see here––that we all have in one way or another––is a deep-rooted story that unless one takes the time to re-write the narrative, will almost always play out in life.

But now let’s add outside people to the mix.

If all we only see Mark as obnoxious, we never give him a chance to be anything else. He could be trying to become a better person before our very eyes, but yet we’re so blind because we automatically assume he’s still the same old shit head Mark. But if we blank slate that fool, well, then everything has a chance to change.

Think about how this works with someone who is trying to change their past for the better . . .

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Again, I’m not condoning any of this. In the end, the people directly involved with whatever may have happened have the most say in forgiveness. But even these people, I’ve watched and heard them forgive the worst of the worst, and in some cases, even befriend their attackers.

It’s time we took this subject and put it in a new light. We’re so quick to play the “devil’s advocate,” but why don’t we ever play “God’s advocate” for those who may need it most?

There is a way, people. And hate is not it. Separation is not the answer we’re looking for.

Edited by: Patrica Hendriks