Artist Above: Ramin Nazer
“Just because I feel low, right now
It doesn’t mean all that I’ve got has run out
Just because I feel low, right now
It doesn’t mean all that I’ve got has run out”
– Chet Faker, Low
These past couple of months have been . . . interesting.
I wouldn’t say that they were the most exciting, but they led me to consider an important question: How do we get past those gray chapters in our lives? Should we force ourselves through them or let them take their natural course?
It’s those periods in our lives where things aren’t inherently good or bad, but life is, a little flat.
Actually, you know what it’s like?
It’s the moment you realize that your 93-year-old Grandma is out drinking margaritas with 15 of her closest friends, and day in and day out, your life oscillates between playing video games and jerking off.
(A new low in my writing career, as I mention jerking off and Grandmas in the same sentence. Yes, I know.)
And this isn’t to say that we always need to be working towards some grandiose goal of constantly pumping out content. Sometimes these gray chapters are necessary to ride out, which we’ll explore. But there comes a point when we are finally ready to do more, and yet we can’t seem to get the ball rolling.
So then, what do we do? How do we get that ball moving?
A while back, I wrote a blog that mirrors what we’re going to explore here today; momentum, among other things. Reading that blog is enough to make anyone cringe, but I now realize that getting past a gray chapter is much more than dealing with purely momentum.
It’s about having the courage to acknowledge that we’re in a rut in the first place. Why we may be there and how the dark side of social media may be exacerbating that rut. We must also have patience and a healthy way to break from our rut when the time is right.
Well, for me, these were the steps that unfolded during my gray chapter and if none of them apply to you, touch shit, I guess!
Okay, obviously my specific roadmap is not going to be the golden standard. However, I think there will be some universal principles that we’ll tie in with the larger picture, and if they don’t, continue to touch shit.
RUT-ROH
In the months leading up to my gray chapter, I had put out some serious blogs. I also worked through a massive hurdle in my life that took a heavy toll on me and those closest to me, on top of finishing another year of school. Some downtime was more than necessary.
But there was a piece of me that knew I was overshooting the downtime and slowly heading towards a rut.
I didn’t fight it, though. I played the ignorance is bliss card. And as much as I was on the ball when it came to checking off the physical pillar of my life, my real hang-up came in the hours that one usually closes out their day.
The night is when I thrive.
(Many people say that their most creative times are early in the morning before most get their day started or later in the night when everyone is on their way to bed. I couldn’t agree more. I think there is a “freeing up” of the collective energy that comes during those periods.)
I do my best reading and writing during this period, and the simple act of meditation sends me to Jupiter. Day after day, I usually don’t miss a beat when it comes to checking off one of these boxes. But no matter how hard I tried these past few months, I wanted zero part of the self-improvement department.
The productiveness of my nighttime routine soon gave way to Call of Duty benders––and video games aren’t my thing, but I couldn’t stop. I was hooked. And this newfound addiction began to eat away at me.
“What you should be doing is writing, dude.” “You should be doing something productive other than playing this video game every night.” “Look at everyone else putting out content, and you haven’t done shit.”
You’re “shoulding” all over yourself, Justin.
. . .
Can we all just agree to take that phrase out of existence forever? Cool. Great. Awesome.
As corny as the phrase is, one has to acknowledge the truth hidden within the words.
When we think we “should” be doing something else, it implies that whatever we’re currently doing is in the wrong. In short, it’s judgment or shame, which only makes that unhealthy habit 10x worse. If we’re going to do X, and we know it may not be in our best interest, then we should work on fully embracing our decision and not condemning ourselves in the times where we inevitably slip.
Let the record show that those words are for me as much as they are for you. Let the record also show that Epstein didn’t kill himself.
SOCIAL MEDIA
Not only was I already heading towards a low spot, but the dark side of social media began to add more fuel to the fire.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this bit about social media, and it seems out of context and sloppy, if I’m honest. It also doesn’t have anything to do with why I was in a rut in the first place. It’s just a big old clunky mess, but here we are, fuckers.
Looking back, however, this did send me into a deeper state of depression. It is worth noting that when one finds themselves in these gray periods, time away from social media may be best. Everyone’s “highlight-reel” teeters on a razor-thin line of sending us over the edge.
I don’t inherently think social media is bad, but when our relationship with it is out of wack––when our relationship with ourselves is out of wack––then we experience first-hand why anxiety and depression levels are at an all-time high.
Anyone in regular business of creating something can attest that there is an undeniable pull to constantly be working towards more engagement of whatever that creation is, which doesn’t necessarily mean for the public. It can be purely for ourselves, but regardless, there is a pull to keep at it.
But what happens when we hit the roadblock that Steven Pressfield likes to call resistance? Well, we soon find ourselves lost in limbo, unable to create a damn thing. And if that’s not already a creatives worst nightmare, let’s go ahead and add social media where everyone is posting their latest and greatest accomplishments.
And then there’s us, staring at walls and counting dots on the ceiling.
Not sure when something was going to give, deep, deep in my being, some part of me knew that I just needed to wait this one out.
And so, I waited.
And waited some more.
And waited so long that it made me wonder what the god damn hold up was? Like yo, big man upstairs, it’s me, ya boy J-dog. Remember me?
No.
Well, this just got awkward.
TICK TOCK NOT TIK TOK
First off, fuck Tik Tok.
I think this app may be one of the most insidious apps when it comes to stealing people’s time, but I digress.
Admitting where we have our hold-ups is huge.
It took me some time to realize why I couldn’t stop playing video games, and this is an essential part of a gray chapter that is universal regardless of the situation.
I couldn’t stop because I was using the video games as a distraction. I feel that most gray periods are either us needing to work through an issue in our life or simply waiting for the storm to pass. Both are okay, and sometimes may require distractions until we are ready to move forward.
For me, it was a combo of the two.
I didn’t totally know what it was that I didn’t want to look at. I only knew that something was hiding behind a door that I wasn’t quite ready to open, hence the waiting.
But the hard part is trusting how we will know when the time is right to push past the waiting.
Well, I’ll tell you the secret.
And it’s going to be the most profound shit your beady little eyes have ever read.
So profound in fact, that you’re going to hate me for it and think, “why didn’t I think of that?! Gosh, I’m so stupid, and Justin is so smart. And sexy.”
Thank you. I know.
Ok, ready? Here it is . . .
When you know, you know.
I’ll say this; there will be a window when you realize that “now” is the time. And I’m not sure what it is that finally gives us the gusto to open these doors. God, maybe? Who knows. But something will finally give way and we will be ready to turn inwards.
When that switch flipped and I felt ready, what I found underneath everything was fear.
I was terrified of the thought that maybe one day I could find myself reliving what I had gone through in the months prior after dealing with a challenging psychedelic journey.
One day when the time is right, I’m going to talk about this period of my life. But not right now.
In the meantime, I am still an advocate of psychedelics, but my careless endorsement of them is over. Please, if you do them, fully know what you’re getting into, and have people close by who can hold you accountable during your journey and for the weeks to follow.
BREAKING THE RUT
Around the middle of July, I left my job of almost nine years. Knowing I had significant life transitions coming in September that I wanted to be ready for, I took some much-needed time to myself. But that wasn’t the only reason I decided to take a month off from everything.
Part of this decision also came because I was craving time spent in nature. I know that when one submerges themselves in nature, clarity comes for the ride––something I so desperately needed.
Up until my sabbatical, I worked tirelessly to have this blog put out, actually, like a mad man. And by “worked,” I mean gave it three solid attempts and then dove back into Call of Duty benders.
I didn’t want a big vacation to be the reason I got the ball rolling again. But the will-power was nowhere to be found during my gray days. Having had all that time off, I realized something. Healthy ways to break a rut are essential, maybe even a non-negotiable.
I thought it was weak if you couldn’t break them through sheer force. To rely on something other than myself to pull me out of my hole felt pitiful. But when we find end up lost in the sauce of a low period, it’s almost too hard to pull ourselves out of without help.
Can it be done? Sure. But is a strong pattern interrupt easier, quicker, and more fun?
So, while time in nature––the best reset I’ve found over anything else in life––was the final touch that got me moving towards better days. The other driving force was therapy. Not nearly as fun, or cheap, or exciting, or invigorating, or blissful as being in nature, but I suppose it has its place.
In the last year, I’ve started working with a therapist.
Some days the sessions are tough as I try to work through some of my deeper shit. Other times they’re not so bad as it’s only a matter of sorting out surface-level issues that usually come and go pretty quickly.
But what’s most important is that when you find a therapist like I’ve found––a legit wizard of his craft––it is like dealing with an accountable mirror.
They’ll call you out on your shit, but they’ll also be able to catch where we may be lost in stories or can give us a new perspective on a situation that we thought was hopeless. The rate at which I’m able to process everything and move through things is priceless. And then guess what? The issue is gone! There’s no more ruminating trying to think that I can figure it out all on my own.
There’s help out there, and I’ve said it before, no one has this human shit figured out. I think everyone should be doing some form of therapy. Shit, even my guy goes to his guy (I probably wouldn’t trust a therapist who didn’t go to their own).
We’ve put a stigma around therapy, but I think it’s one of the most courageous things someone can do. When we get help for the things that bother us the most, not only do we help ourselves, but we help those around us and help the world move in a better direction.
And God knows we need that right now.
Please know that the gray periods won’t last forever. Life comes in waves, and we’re either at the bottom, on our way to top. Or on top and on our way to the bottom. It all passes, and the more we work through our shit––we have all the answers we’re looking for if we can find the courage to turn inwards––the easier it gets to ride the wave with grace.
Edited by: Patrica Hendriks.
